Dion Read & The Afterthoughts

Assuming they all hyphenate….

Stephanie Rice’s future husband nominations:
Andy Flower (Zimbabwean cricketer)
Luke Ball (St. Kilda footballer)
and the winner…
Andrew Krakouer (Richmond footballer now in jail)

Jessicah Schipper’s future husband nominations:
Heath Shaw (Collingwood footballer)
Wendell Sailor (Bronco/Kangaroo/Red/Waratah/Wallaby/Dragon)
and the winner…
Andrew Hoy (Australian Equestrian legend)

Further suggestions welcome.

While I’ve been moping around the house for a week being the sickest I’ve been that I can remember, certain truths have been revealing themselves:

If you throw your tissues rather than placing them in a bin you end up with an empty bin and tissues on the floor.

No matter how moist your lips are when you go to bed, the will be puffed up and cracking with dehydration in the morning.

Toilet paper does a fine job at being nose paper. Sometimes even better than normal tissues ’cause with toilet paper you have more control over your portion. Little dab? One sheet. Full blow? Two please.

If you sleep with one side of the bed on electric blanket heat 2 and the other side on electric blanket heat 1 you will be warm, toasty and awesome but with a roll-over escape method.

It was love at first sight

You had a kitchen, I had a knife.

I wrote you a letter on the plane
But threw it away in the trash when the hostess came.
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Your guess is as good as mine
So I’m never wrong and you’re always right.
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Everyone has dickheads that live in their street
Kicking shit over with their big dickhead feet.
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It’s not half full or half empty
Just twice as big as it needs to be.
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Wake up and smell the flowers
Everything showers, even the trees.
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A revelation
That cuts like a punch and hits like I won’t.
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Give me an oven and I’ll bake you a muffin,
A raisin without cake is a raisin worth nothin’.

In the spirit of the almighty Usher, here are some confessions:

1. I liked a girl until I saw her eating pumpkin soup. The soup was getting caught in the crevices between her teeth and she liked to smile a lot. Now I always think “Orange Smile.”

2. I used to ride over ant nests on my pushbike and cause as much damage as possible until they all ran out going apeshit. One day I tried to take care of an ant that I’d injured by sheltering it from the wind as it lay broken on the ground. It blew away I think, or maybe I just got bored and left.

3. When I finally got tall enough to jump and hang on the walkway bars at school I realised that it wasn’t such a big thrill after all.

4. I used to know all the words to “Keep the Faith” by Michael Jackson off the Dangerous album.

How cathartic can the internet be? Not very.

I want to kiss you in the dark
So let’s go to the basement,
You taste like chocolate and vanilla
But you look like rum and raisin.

Some people get disco fever, others get finals fever, my brother gets hay fever.

A small red dot was hovering on Nathan’s chest, moving spasimodically around; the source was a long way away and being held by hand. “Damn kids and their laser pointers,” thought Nathan Field. He turned away from the direction of the beam and walked inside. “I’ll teach those damn kids a lesson that they’ll never forget.” Once lunch was over, the kids filed back in to Mr. Field’s classroom for another lesson on trigonometry. Mr. Field was wrong, those damn kids forgot that lesson by the time they were twenty.